Provocative question! So many people say they are looking for love. For you to know what to do with it when you find it, you have to BE a lover.
What does it mean 'to be a lover?' It is not about words, though they can be expressive. It is not about money, though everyone enjoys gifts. It is not about doing things for the beloved, though that is always appreciated. It is not about spending time together, though that is delightful. It is not about the warmth of a hug and the touch of a hand, although connection affirms our existence.
To be a lover is all these things and more. To be a lover is to demonstrate consistent enthusiastic devotion to the object of your affections through those loving behaviors. and want for your partner what your partner wants for him or herself.
That's a tall order and a full-time commitment. That's why I say that relationship is a spiritual path within your spiritual path. It calls forth all that you have. That's Soul-Driven Love.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
There's No One to Blame? Darn!!!
Hi,
This morning I was thinking about the ebb and flow of relationships, the ups and downs. How is it that one day he makes your heart flutter and another day the fact that he took out the garbage is the height of your appreciation? It's not that you've forgotten the flutters, but, today, not so much!
My answer: because life is complicated, painful and difficult...and, often, unpredictable. One morning I wake up knowing that absolutely everything is life is do-able, available and ready for me. Another morning, I really have to talk myself into remembering the spiritual principles that I believe, pick myself up and get back on track. Yes, it's not automatic. The joy of being human!
So, if that's what's going on in me, it is likely that the same thing is going on in my partner. Of course, he's a saint, but, it just might be that even saints have to remember their path consciously on some mornings! That's him, though, and I've got my own work to do, so....
Then, I have to remember that how I feel about me affects how I think and feel about him. One thing about accepting responsibility for being a grownup is clear: I am the author of my thoughts and feelings. Wouldn't it be lovely to accurately be able to say,
"You make me miserable, angry, unhappy, ...or pick one?" A
ctually, many people do say that, but it's just not true. You know that. You are the only one who responds to people, ideas, situations and conditions. No one creates that response for you. So, there is no one to blame.
So, the question of the day is:
"Am I taking responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and circumstances? Or, is there some little gremlin thought that I have that someone else has the power to push my buttons?"
If you've given the power, take it back.
Make it a great day.
Much love, great joy and many blessings,
Rhoberta
This morning I was thinking about the ebb and flow of relationships, the ups and downs. How is it that one day he makes your heart flutter and another day the fact that he took out the garbage is the height of your appreciation? It's not that you've forgotten the flutters, but, today, not so much!
My answer: because life is complicated, painful and difficult...and, often, unpredictable. One morning I wake up knowing that absolutely everything is life is do-able, available and ready for me. Another morning, I really have to talk myself into remembering the spiritual principles that I believe, pick myself up and get back on track. Yes, it's not automatic. The joy of being human!
So, if that's what's going on in me, it is likely that the same thing is going on in my partner. Of course, he's a saint, but, it just might be that even saints have to remember their path consciously on some mornings! That's him, though, and I've got my own work to do, so....
Then, I have to remember that how I feel about me affects how I think and feel about him. One thing about accepting responsibility for being a grownup is clear: I am the author of my thoughts and feelings. Wouldn't it be lovely to accurately be able to say,
"You make me miserable, angry, unhappy, ...or pick one?" A
ctually, many people do say that, but it's just not true. You know that. You are the only one who responds to people, ideas, situations and conditions. No one creates that response for you. So, there is no one to blame.
So, the question of the day is:
"Am I taking responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and circumstances? Or, is there some little gremlin thought that I have that someone else has the power to push my buttons?"
If you've given the power, take it back.
Make it a great day.
Much love, great joy and many blessings,
Rhoberta
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Overcoming Over-Compromising
Do you ever feel over-compromised in your relationships?
Like you've given in, given over, and maybe even given up?
If you've ever said these words, you're there.
"IT'S NOT WORTH THE HASSLE!!!"
Those are complaints I hear often from my relationship coaching clients who are searching for the keys to having the relationship they long for, but haven't yet experienced.
We are told over and over that every relationship involves a certain amount of compromise. And, it's true. There is very little value in arguing over whose movie gets chosen every single time. There's a logical place to compromise. The problem is that many folks live with constant feelings of giving in, giving over and have simply given up. And, there are cures!
Unfortunately, there is no magic, though. Relationship begins with you, not the other person. If I had a hundred dollars for each couple who say they want to improve their relationship and have come into my office or to a coaching call with this attitude, I'd be delighted:
"If only you could teach her/him ______________, our relationship would be great."
Now, those couples seldom say that out loud. They really believe that if I could just fix their partners all problems would disappear. They come in hoping that I'll simply take the back off their partner, make a few adjustments, and all will be heavenly. Those unspoken agendas and secret fantasies need great consideration...because you may them and never even make it to my office or telephone. You simply delude yourself with the idea that it's your partner's issues that make the relationship difficult.
Relationship starts with knowing who you are, AND, who you are in relationship. Examining that and how it came to be true is an essential beginning point. In the four-week Soul-Driven Love* class, we work on ourselves in new ways for the first two weeks. Big surprise to many folks, cuz they came to find out the secrets of fixing their partner!!
Compromise is only one of five major ways to manage conflict. And, conflict is not a four-letter word. It simply means a difference of opinion, style or point-of-view. Learning how to manage conflict effectively and productively is key for everyone, in every relationship. It goes hand-in-hand with also learning to communicate and negotiate skillfully--both also learned skills.
Where did you learn to manage conflict? If you are like most people, it was learned by watching others. That spectrum runs between screaming, yelling and serving up ultimatums to acquiesing, backing down and avoiding confrontation at all costs. None of those strategies are wise or productive. You've likely noticed that.
If you find yourself compromising more than is comfortable, take the time to ask yourself why you do that. If you think you're just seeking peace, examine that. Peace is great, but, if it begins to be accompanied by resentment, you need another strategy.
You need to know who you are and what you value, believe, and desire. Peace at all cost is not likely it. That will lead you to over-compromising. That is simply under-valuing yourself. If this is a description of your relationship, you are not headed towards Soul-Driven Love.
Soul-Driven Love begins in Soul Solitude**. When we wrote that book, we gave you guidelines, reasons and principles for taking time for your soul to catch up. That's the starting point to have the most glorious life possible. You deserve it. Overcome over-compromise now.
I wish you well.
Rhoberta
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Founder, Spiritual Living Network, www.SpiritualLivingNetwork.com
& Optimize Institute www.OptimizeInstitute.com
* To learn more about the four-week Soul-Driven Love program, visit www.SoulDrivenLove.com
** Soul Solitude: Taking Time for Our Souls to Catch Up is available at www.SoulSolitude.com or order it from your local bookstore or Amazon.
Like you've given in, given over, and maybe even given up?
If you've ever said these words, you're there.
"IT'S NOT WORTH THE HASSLE!!!"
Those are complaints I hear often from my relationship coaching clients who are searching for the keys to having the relationship they long for, but haven't yet experienced.
We are told over and over that every relationship involves a certain amount of compromise. And, it's true. There is very little value in arguing over whose movie gets chosen every single time. There's a logical place to compromise. The problem is that many folks live with constant feelings of giving in, giving over and have simply given up. And, there are cures!
Unfortunately, there is no magic, though. Relationship begins with you, not the other person. If I had a hundred dollars for each couple who say they want to improve their relationship and have come into my office or to a coaching call with this attitude, I'd be delighted:
"If only you could teach her/him ______________, our relationship would be great."
Now, those couples seldom say that out loud. They really believe that if I could just fix their partners all problems would disappear. They come in hoping that I'll simply take the back off their partner, make a few adjustments, and all will be heavenly. Those unspoken agendas and secret fantasies need great consideration...because you may them and never even make it to my office or telephone. You simply delude yourself with the idea that it's your partner's issues that make the relationship difficult.
Relationship starts with knowing who you are, AND, who you are in relationship. Examining that and how it came to be true is an essential beginning point. In the four-week Soul-Driven Love* class, we work on ourselves in new ways for the first two weeks. Big surprise to many folks, cuz they came to find out the secrets of fixing their partner!!
Compromise is only one of five major ways to manage conflict. And, conflict is not a four-letter word. It simply means a difference of opinion, style or point-of-view. Learning how to manage conflict effectively and productively is key for everyone, in every relationship. It goes hand-in-hand with also learning to communicate and negotiate skillfully--both also learned skills.
Where did you learn to manage conflict? If you are like most people, it was learned by watching others. That spectrum runs between screaming, yelling and serving up ultimatums to acquiesing, backing down and avoiding confrontation at all costs. None of those strategies are wise or productive. You've likely noticed that.
If you find yourself compromising more than is comfortable, take the time to ask yourself why you do that. If you think you're just seeking peace, examine that. Peace is great, but, if it begins to be accompanied by resentment, you need another strategy.
You need to know who you are and what you value, believe, and desire. Peace at all cost is not likely it. That will lead you to over-compromising. That is simply under-valuing yourself. If this is a description of your relationship, you are not headed towards Soul-Driven Love.
Soul-Driven Love begins in Soul Solitude**. When we wrote that book, we gave you guidelines, reasons and principles for taking time for your soul to catch up. That's the starting point to have the most glorious life possible. You deserve it. Overcome over-compromise now.
I wish you well.
Rhoberta
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Founder, Spiritual Living Network, www.SpiritualLivingNetwork.com
& Optimize Institute www.OptimizeInstitute.com
* To learn more about the four-week Soul-Driven Love program, visit www.SoulDrivenLove.com
** Soul Solitude: Taking Time for Our Souls to Catch Up is available at www.SoulSolitude.com or order it from your local bookstore or Amazon.
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